A post from Noelle O., our
CMF Lifestyle Coach:
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. – William James
I think of myself as a confident person; I know who I am and what matters to me. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching to earn those bragging rights. And yet, I’m amazed at how the smallest thing can sometimes send me spiraling down the tube of self-deprecation.
Here’s an example: I picked my four-year-old up from preschool last week and asked him about his morning. He replied, “You forgot it was show-and-tell day. All the children had something to share except me.”
Immediately, the self-talk started in. “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so spacey sometimes? How could I have prioritized work over my child? The teacher probably thinks I’m a terrible mother.” I stewed in my guilt for a good fifteen minutes, searching my memory bank for other evidence that would support these allegations. Of course, my son had already moved on and was chattering about what he wanted for snack.
I know I am not alone. We each have areas in our life where we struggle with insecurity. And go figure, ours is a culture obsessed with perfection. We’re surrounded by messages telling us we aren’t enough. Advertisements in women’s magazines promise whiter teeth, flawless skin and slimmer waists. Don’t even get me started on the Victoria Secret catalogue that keeps showing up in the mailbox twice a month. Parenting magazines model “perfect” parenting for us with image after image of shiny-faced moms baking and crafting with their kids in spotless kitchens.
And speaking of kitchens, let’s not leave out the home magazines, my personal nemesis.
The problem with this kind of media is it’s insidious. It’s human nature to constantly compare ourselves to others; we’re wired to assimilate. Even the most confident of us can’t help but digest some of the poison. The result is a vicious cycle of striving, inevitable failing and then beating ourselves up with negative self-talk. Sound familiar?
I’m convinced that we Moms have it the worst. Parenting is too important to allow ourselves any room for failure. We shuttle our kids all over town to lessons and play dates so they’ll grow up to be the brilliant, well-adjusted adults we need them to be. Proof that our parenting was perfect. We want to be the kind of mom that volunteers at our children’s school. The kind that remains calm and composed no matter what our kids throw at us. The kind that would never forget show-and-tell day.
I often hear moms say that they just can’t get everything on their To Do list done and that they are exhausted all the time. The reality is that you can’t get it all done, at least not without causing yourself significant stress. Here’s my advice:
Prioritize your To Do list and say “no” more.
Look at your list and figure out which items are “have tos” and which items are “shoulds.” Maybe being involved in your child’s school is a “have to” for you, but agreeing to be on the PTA board is a “should.” Maybe cleaning the dishes is a “have to,” but the laundry can wait a few more days.
Let people help you.
Your kids can do more than you think around the house, but you have to be willing to deal with a little imperfection. So what if the towels are folded funny? Your kids will feel proud of themselves and you’ll be sending them the message that they don’t have to do everything perfect either.
Let Dad do more of the parenting. He’ll do it differently but that’s okay. Most likely, his approach will be a nice counter-balance to yours and if he messes up? Just remember that the only way to learn is through failure.
Be authentic with your girlfriends. Tell them when you’re struggling. Studies show that talking with friends produces oxytocin, which reduces stress. And keep in mind, nobody wants to be friends with someone whose life seems perfect.
Repeat this to yourself:
“Nobody lives like the pictures in magazines. Models are airbrushed. Every home with kids has junk drawers and crumbs in the couch cushions. Every mom flips out on her kids sometimes.” Now take a deep breath and throw out the judgments (and maybe a few magazines.)
Take care of You for a change.
Now that you’ve got some “shoulds” off the list, schedule some time for yourself. You deserve it!!! Meet with friends, take a hot bath, go to a yoga class – whatever rejuvenates you. You’ll be a more patient and centered parent. You’ll look refreshed and you’ll have more energy for your busy life.
And most importantly, if you don’t have anything nice to say to yourself, don’t say anything at all. Practice hitting the mute button on that nasty internal voice that says you aren’t enough.
You are good enough just the way you are,
Noelle O.
Noelle Ostroff is mother to two spirited kids and the founder of the Mommy Coach ~ life coaching just for moms. Check out her website www.themommycoach.net or follow her on twitter @noelleostroff and facebook @ themommycoach.
**Have a comment or question for Noelle? She'll be checking our comments and will answer any questions you have!**
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